Recently I received an email from a work colleague. And there’s just something about the way in which this person composes email that can send me through the roof. It can literally take me a good portion of my precious moments to trudge through all the mind sludge immediately triggered for me to respond to her requests appropriately.
Why?
It’s complicated. There are several components to how I react.
- My past in general
- My history with her
- My perception of her attitude
You might notice a bit of theme here. This incident is less about her than it is about me.
My past in general
Basically, without going into too much detail, I had a very complicated relationship with my mother. My mother for the most part was domineering, controlling and demeaning. At the same time, she was supportive, loved me dearly and thought she had good reasons for her sometimes brutal child-rearing tactics. My mother was relatively young when I was born (18). As I grew up we pretty much became best friends even with the fact that she never stopped with the heavy-handed stuff. I could go on and on but I think you get the picture.
History with my colleague
I once worked for her and it busted my self-confidence. For whatever reason, she was demeaning, arrogant, controlling and a micro-manager to top it off. At least that was my perception of her. I was, up to the moment I started working for her, held in high regard where I was working. I was free to communicate with everyone within the organization and to make contributions independently and in accordance with my professional abilities.
That all ended while I worked for her. Her first, and most impactful, decision was that I could not communicate directly with any of the managers. Period, full stop. That communication was ended. All work had to flow through her and would be given to me as she saw fit to assign it. She not only communicated that to me directly, but also communicated that to all the managers, supervisors and people under them. Some actions just feel like soul-killers.
Her explanation was that she needed to gain respect within the male-dominated management structure. And that she wanted to control the work flowing in so that I was not over-burdened.
My Perception of her attitude
At one point, she was reassigned and I no longer worked for her. What a relief that was. While I didn’t work for her, I still had to work with her. And her perspective was that she somehow knew everything about my particular job and that she should still be influential with our shared manager with regard to my work. It took a very long time for both of us to adjust to being colleagues rather than me reporting to her.
Accumulated mind sludge
As you can probably tell, there is a progressive nature to the build-up of mind sludge. It likely all began with my relationship with my mom and progressed from there. Not being any kind of expert in psychology, it seems like that could be the case. There are likely many other contributing factors to mind sludge. I’ve come to believe that mind sludge pretty much forms our reaction triggers given how the brain works. So there you have some insight into why her email spawns such a potent reaction. With all that mind sludge in the way, it can be difficult to respond to a simple request without an internal debate about what I want to say and what I ultimately do say. And it can feel exactly like I’m trudging through sludge to formulate my answer.
Sometimes I wonder how we can communicate at all
Guess what? We all have mind sludge of some sort. You have it, the person to whom you’re speaking has it. Everything you say to them is going through their mind sludge prior to them even hearing it. Have you ever seen a puzzled or worse an enraged look on someone’s face while you’re talking to them, and you have no clue what you said that could have triggered that look? It’s likely their mind sludge. And who knows what’s churning inside their brain.
Why is this important?
Realizing that we all filter our world through our past experiences can give us power over our reactions rather than being a victim of them. Thereby, it gives us the ability to manage the emotions that emanate from our thoughts. In addition, it provides the ability to be empathetic with others who react to something we say or do.
When we realize they are reacting more to their own mind sludge than to you, it gives you empathy. Once you have empathy, you can resist being defensive about what you have said or done. And be much more objective about it. It gives you the ability to ask them what you said that might have upset them and clarify your intentions so that the communication can continue.
And communication is our bread and butter, right? I’m curious, how has mind sludge factored into your relationships at work?
Great article!!!!!